So Cold I Could See My Breath
by shallow-seas-we-sail
Summary: Re-imaging of "Remember Me". Bodies begin showing up that leads to the discovery of a copy cat killer specializing in Hoyt's work. New and old wounds resurface for Jane as she goes to Hoyt for help in hopes of catching a killer, as well as understanding her and Maura's shifting relationship. Aspects/nod to Silence of the Lambs.
1. The Green Monster

**A/N: I just want to preface that this piece will be going to a darker place, so please be forewarned. This is my little take on a kinda/sorta AU revolving around "Remember Me" with a smattering of Silence of the Lambs thrown in. Everything is trauma and everything hurts. It will follow the story line of the episode loosely, and there will be angst/hurt/comfort because there will be Hoyt.**

Jane sat at her desk, slouched, pinching the bridge of her nose. 'This case. This fucking case.' is all that kept echoing in her head. There had been no breakthrough, no light at the end of the tunnel. No AH-HA moment. She was stuck. Cemented in place, and nothing was changing that; at least not anytime soon.

And goddamnit if it wasn't cold. Boston was an ice box, and the coffee on Jane's desk was billowing steam. And she was sure if she let out the breath she was holding she could see it. It was that cold in the station. It was that cold everywhere. So Jane curled her hands around the cup at her desk. Any warmth was good warmth. But when the phone on her hip buzzed, a familiar feeling crept into her gut. 'It's another body.' and let out a frustrated huff of air.

-

Boston Harbor was freezing. The wind coming off the water made the air only bit at Jane's skin more. She dug her hands as far into her pockets as the jacket would let her and ducked under the crime scene tape.

How Maura was wearing that skirt with those heels in this weather boggled Jane's mind. If she is cold bundled up, imagine what being dressed like that must feel like. And suddenly Jane found her mind straying off course as her eyes trailed from Maura's heels to her bent knees to her hip, and Jane found herself wondering where exactly Maura would be feeling the cold. Jane shook the image from her head. She ran her fingers over her palms in her pockets, which had begun to sweat from the sudden influx of heat that the thought had caused. Coming up on Maura, Jane knelt beside her and examined the body. Another woman. Early 20's. Naked and neat, green surgical stitching holding her together from navel to neck. This was the fifth since December. One body a week. Always female, always naked, and always taken apart and put back together neatly like a little package.

"Same as the others." Jane husked, pushing up on her knees and standing. Maura looked up, and Jane extended her hand to help the smaller woman. Maura happily took it, and Jane tried not to smile as they began to walk.

"I won't know until I get back to the lab if her organs have been removed." Jane stopped, and held her arm out in front of Maura.

"You and I both know that is-" Jane shook her head in disgust. "The Green Monster. God! I hate the media for that. How am I supposed to go to Fenway and look at that thing and not think of dead bodies from now on?"

Maura gently laid two fingers on Jane's forearm, and pushed it down from in front of her, back to the Detective's side. "Just think about baseball." She quipped and winked at her, and Jane felt that sudden heat all over her body again.

-

In the morgue, Jane bounced on her heels beside Maura. She was cutting the stitching, and even before she was halfway up the victim's body, Jane could see that the young woman was hollow. And suddenly Jane felt very much the same way; her heart ached for these girls, and their families. And she wasn't any closer putting any of the pieces together. Jane tucked her fist under her chin as Maura opened the body.

"Reproductive organs, and liver are missing, just like the other victims." Maura paused, and her brow knitted closely together. "There seems to be a foreign object-" Jane grimaced as she watched Maura literally fish her hand around inside a body. Maura brought the object out laid it on the table beside the body. Jane cocked her head and leaned down to exam it closely. Suddenly she felt her breath hitch in her chest. It was a scalpel.

Jane slowly straightened back up, and felt herself go numb. 'No. This isn't possible. Why didn't you see this? Of course it would be him, you fucking idiot.' Her mind screamed at her. Criticized her. Belittled her. 'Now it makes sense. Now you see it.'

Maura's hand on her shoulder caused her to jump slightly, but also grounded her, bringing her back to reality. "You don't know if it's hi-" But Jane cut her off. "Yes I do."


	2. I Never Said That I Was Brave

Jane paces the floor in Maura's office, her thumb between her teeth. "I should have known it. I should have fuckin' seen it."

Maura watches her patiently from behind her desk, her head following Jane back and forth across the room. "So he has another apprentice." Maura says absently. She is focused on Jane. She can see the tension in her face and shoulders. Her thumb in her mouth is a tell that she is stressed. And Maura is stressed for her. She feels the weight on Jane's shoulders on her own. She feels the apprehension and fear and she fears for Jane. And she finds herself wanting to protect Jane. This woman risks her life everyday, who can go through everyday without fear; is now afraid, and Maura wants to ease that.  
'Jane is always protecting everyone, but who is protecting her?' And in the literal sense, Maura is acutely aware that many people protect Jane. Frost and Korsak and Frankie. But right now with Jane pacing a rut into the floor in her office, she is the only one there protecting Jane; and she content in that thought. Jane's vulnerability is apparent, and Hoyt is one of the few, if not one of the only people that can incite such a reaction from her.

Maura stands quietly from behind her desk and makes her way over the Jane. "Stop for a moment." But Jane continues to pace back and forth passed Maura, oblivious to the request, lost in her thoughts. It isn't until Maura reaches out and catches Jane by her bicep does she stop and look at her.

"Sit with me." Maura tilts her head towards the couch. As they sit, Maura reaches and takes Jane's hand from her mouth, and holds it in the small space between them, and Maura can feel their knees touching, and being in such a close proximity to Jane makes room feel warmer, and it spreads over her body. Maura looks down and gently runs her thumb over the back of Jane's hand, skimming over the raised skin from her scar.

They are quiet for a moment, their hands intertwined, and Maura can feel the taller woman's begin to relax. A small smile creeps to the corners of Maura's mouth, and again she is happy that a comforting touch from her can ease Jane.

Maura looks up from their hands and see's Jane staring back at her; she can see fear in her eyes. Worry. Pain. Gratitude. And something else that Maura finds hard to pinpoint.

"I hate that he has this effect on me." Jane mumbles. "Its just-" She turns her head and focuses on the wall across the room "-you think you are over something. You push it down, push it away, and when it comes back, it makes your heart freeze in your chest." She squeezes Maura's hand and lets out a deep sigh. Maura can see unshed tears in her eyes, and she can feel her heart breaking for her friend. She knows she can't say it will all be ok, because they both know that would be a lie. It may never be ok, and Maura knows that. And she accepts that. She accepts Jane in all that she is; outspoken and loud. Surly and funny. Protected and broken.

Unbearable broken. And Maura wants to pick up her pieces and hold them close to her chest; close to her heart to protect and covet them. Because Jane is broken, and the pieces may never fit back together, but Maura can keep them safe. She can keep her safe. She can keep them safe. Together.

A lone tear makes its way down Jane's face, and gently brings her hand up and brush her thumb over her cheek, wiping away the tear. And something shifts. Maura can feel it, and she can see that Jane feels it too because of the way she leans into her touch; the way she brings her hand up and takes Maura's into her own and brings it to her lips and kisses her knuckles.

"Thank you." Jane says in a shakey breath, catching Maura's eye.

And Maura can see what she couldn't before: Love. Adoration. Compassion and surrender.

Surrender. Not to Hoyt. Not to her fear. But to her. And Maura's heart swells in her chest. Jane is trying. Trying to let her in. Letting her be that support. Trying to let her save her.

Maura smiles, and brings their hands to her chest, holding them tightly there. This is good. This is enough. Jane is enough, and always will be. She is strong and consistent. A beacon in the night. But even the mighty fall, even the strongest need help getting back up, and Maura will always be there. Whatever height she falls from, whatever brink she goes to, Maura will follow her.


	3. We Know Who Our Enemies Are

**A/N: Just a little background on this story. It actually came to me one day as I was driving to work. I literally work a mile away from the Walpole prison that they mention Hoyt is in in the show. I always feel like I'm an extra in an episode when I drive by it. Also, I'm happy to see that you guys are curious as to where this is heading; well get ready, because we just made a hard left down angst road. warning: triggers for graphic scenes and sexual abuse.**

Jane clasped her wrists behind her back in the elevator. Something had changed. Her apprehension and fear had fallen to the wayside and was replaced with a childlike giddiness, and dare Jane say it, butterflies in her stomach. Yes. Jane Rizzoli was smitten with the blonde in the basement. And in the elevator she surmised that it had always been there in a sense, though neither dare address it or put words to it. Whatever it was hung in the air around them; it was a spark, it was ethereal. It was natural. It worked. It was give and it was take. And when she had leaned into Maura's touch, there were no words that had to be put to it. The pieces just fell into place and they both saw it in the other. It was a natural progression, and Jane was ok with that. More than ok with that, and that made Jane smile.

A smile that quickly faded when she saw Cavanaugh standing beside her desk as she exited the elevator, and the butterflies were replaced with the sinking feeling of dread.

"Walpole called. Hoyt has been getting packages with your vics leftovers inside." Cavanaugh stated bluntly and she walked up, then paused; "You don't have to take this on, I can send Frost or Korsa-"

"I got this Lieutenant." Jane lied, but nodded her head firmly in an attempt to convince herself and Cavanaugh otherwise. It worked, because he gave her an affirming nod. "Tell Doctor Isles to pack her things. She is going with you."

Jane grabbed her jacket off the back of her chair and turned on her heels, only to be stopped by her superior, "If it becomes too much, don't be ashamed to say it, Rizzoli." Jane stood silently for a moment and curtly nodded before heading back to the elevator and down to the morgue.

-

The drive to Walpole was excruciating. Maura had offered to drive, but Jane had persisted, and here they were, sitting in deadlock traffic on Route 1, with Jane twisting and grinding her palms into the steering wheel. As traffic began to move, Jane let out the breath she holding, and then felt Maura's hand on her knee. Glancing over, Jane gave her a weak smile, and then placed her own hand atop of Maura's.

"I was expecting a tirade about brain eating bacteria to pass the time." Jane teased, "But this is good, too." she said, squeezing Maura's hand. A comfortable silence fell over them as Jane maneuvered back roads, until towering concrete walls came into view.

Pulling in to park, and she turned off the car, Jane cupped Maura's hand in her own and looked down at them. "I feel like my heart is beating out of my chest." Jane's fingers traced over her knuckles. "But you'll be there." It wasn't a statement.

Maura nodded; "Of course."

Jane pursed her lips and released their hands and ran them through her hair. 'Pull it together. Pull it together. Pull it the fuck together.'

"Ok." She said in a huff, "Lets go."

-

Jane always hated this prison. The architecture reminded her of concentration camps she saw in history books as a child. She felt like a ghost in the hall each time she came here, and she damned every bit of Hoyt for that. Because after he was put away, part of her was locked away in there with him. Part of her she knew she would never get back, and being here was a reminder that she was passing a distant, long forgotten part of herself in the halls. The distinct clicking of Maura's heels echoing off the walls brought her back as they approached the sign-in desk.

"Detective Rizzoli. This is Doctor Isles. We were informed that you may have evidence relating to a case?" The burly man behind the glass nodded his head. "I'll buzz you through."

Once inside, another guard greeted them; "This way. We put it in the infirmary. It's-.." he paused as he led them down the hall; "-It's fucking sick."

-

The infirmary was cold. Sterile with whiter than white walls. Setting on the metal gurney was a cardboard box. Maura quickly walked over, and removing gloves from her bag, pulled back a corner of the box.

"Oh-" it was suppressed, quiet, and surprised.

Jane came up behind her, and peered over her shoulder "Oh my god. What is that?"

Centered in the box was a liver, or rather, parts of livers. They were neatly mended together with fine green stitching. Like puzzle pieces made to fit together. Circling them were what looked like to Jane five little bulbs, their stems seamlessly stitched together. Suddenly and very clearly her high school anatomy book popped into her head. Clear, clinical explanations of female body parts accompanied by little arrows; sidebar notes explaining what each purpose is of the reproductive system flooded her brain.

"Is that..-" pointing over Maura's shoulder "-what I think it is?"

Maura cocked her head to the side; "It kind of looks like Saturn."  
Jane dropped her hand onto Maura's shoulder; "You see that and think of planets?" The words dropped from her mouth and correlated exactly to the way she felt; dumbfounded.

Maura shrugged. "The detail is very precise." Lowering a gloved finger to accentuate her point "The fallopian tubes stitched together circling-" Jane patted her shoulder roughly and squeezed her eyes shut "I get it. I get it. Stop please."

"He used something very sharp, notice the clean lines on the liver."

Jane nodded "Like a scalpe-"

"Like Jane." a voice rose up from the curtain behind her, and Jane felt a familiar feeling shoot up her spine. Something like ice and knives, and cutting a look to Maura over the blonde's shoulder, she could tell that Maura had felt her reaction even though she hadn't seen it.

Jane shot the guard at the door a look, and the young man quickly shifted awkwardly on his feet, averting his eyes. She felt like she was moving in slow motion as she turned and made her way to the curtain, pulling it back. And even though she had half heartedly convinced herself that she was ready for what was on the other side, when she saw Hoyt's crooked grin, she immediately and absentmindedly began to massage her palms.

"Your hands hurt, Jane?"

"No. It's like it never happened." Her voice broke.

"Well, since you're here, come closer." Hoyt patted the side of the bed with his restrained hand.

All Jane could do was stare at him. She felt frozen in place. Hoyt saw it, he sensed it. "The good doctor is right, you know." He said, lifting his head towards Maura. "It does strangely look a lot like Saturn."

"What do you know? You have another one of your wack-jobs out there?" Jane said through her teeth and crossed her arms and squaring her shoulders towards him.

"Mmm. No. Whoever he is, he isn't mine. But I do admire his work." His gave her a far look coupled with a grin. "I suppose he was just trying to make me feel better." Hoyt shrugged. "I'm sick, you know. Dying in fact."

"So you have a fan out there sending you get well soon gifts? Sorry if I don't seem torn up about it." Jane rolled her eyes and glanced at Maura who was standing intently, and then perked up. "You said you agree that it looks like Saturn, why is that?" Maura took a step forward and brought her hand up and pinching her chin.

"Saturnalia." He began staring at the ceiling, "was a Roman festival to honor Saturn. It was held during the winter solstice. Which is around the time those bodies of yours began to show up." Hoyt turned his head and looked at Jane; "They performed human sacrifices in honor of him; usually dead gladiators, but I guess any ol' body will do." He paused. "I heard you found a present in one of your bodies. A scalpel." He sucked through his teeth, making a hissing noise; "I can see why you would think it was me. Flattering."

"How do you know all of this?" Jane cocked her head, pressing her folded arms hard into her chest.

"I have ample free time, Janie." He said, lifting his wrist slightly in the restraints.

"Saturn had a consort, Lua Saturni. She was Goddess to whom soldiers sacrificed their weapons to after battle." Maura took another step forward, evening herself with Jane and looked at her, "Perhaps this person see's you his consort. He left the scalpel for us to find."

Hoyt looked between the two women. "Oh, his consort? I'm jealous. I always pegged you as mine. Or-" he paused "hers." Lifting his finger and pointing to Maura.

"Are you her consort, Doctor?"

"We're done here." Jane stated louder than she expected.

"I can help you, Janie, find him. Consider it my dying wish to help out a friend."

Jane leaned down, "I'm not your fucking friend." she groweld.

"I love it when you're angry. Isn't she beautiful when she's angry, Doctor?"

Maura said nothing, only stood silently next to Jane and she straightened and reached up to pull forward the curtain. "Have you felt her, Doctor? Your consort?" Jane grit her teeth and pulled the curtain; "Because I have." Jane paused, and balled the curtain in her fist. "And she's a fighter, aren't you, Janie?"

Jane loosened her grip, and felt the fabric in between her fingers. Her face dropped, and suddenly she felt undeniably sad and alone. She couldn't bear to look at Maura. "What's your angle?" she squeezed her eyes shut as the words left her mouth.

"Let me help you."

And with sudden force, Jane pulled the curtain, cutting them off from Hoyt.

"I look forward to our next meeting." It was the last thing Jane heard before exiting the room.

Jane needed air. She needed to be outside. This giant place was too small. These halls were too narrow; and she kept no pace for Maura to keep up with her, and she saw the front doors get closer, she quickened her stride and pushed through the doors and bent over, her hands on her knees. In the cold air she felt like she was on fire. Bile rose in her throat, and she could see her breath.

She was out. She was here. She was in one piece.

She felt Maura's hand on her shoulder, and a wave of nausea rolled through her body, and before she knew it she was leaning over the entrance stairs railing, releasing the pain that had built up in her body.


	4. Discovering the Waterfront

**A/N: Thank you to my awesome beta for dealing with all the angst ahead of time. This chapter is a little fluffy buffer.. for now.**

The air in the car was heavy with so many things unsaid. After Jane had composed herself in front of the prison, she had just simply handed Maura the keys and walked towards the car. They hadn't spoken in over an hour, and Maura was drumming her fingers over the steering wheel as she drove while Jane had her head against the window staring off.

Distant. That is where Jane was. That is where she wanted to be. She hadn't felt this way in such a long time. So unimaginably lonely. So broken. So sad. In the years since Hoyt had captured her she had been able to find some semblance of a normal life. Sure, all the scars on the outside were there. But the one she held inside of her, close to her chest, she had buried in a neat little place. Compartmentalized it. Filed it away, and Jane could deal with it on her own time, because no one has to see how fucked up Jane Rizzoli actually is.

Only Maura does. And Maura see's it. And Maura knows it. And she is the only other one outside of herself and Hoyt that knows any of it. And at some point it is going to come up, and Jane can't bare to talk about it, or rationalize it, or face it, or verbalize it, to anyone, let alone Maura. So Jane is lost in her thoughts, inwardly battling with herself. Of course she should talk about it, and of all people she knew she could trust Maura, wholeheartedly.

And that scared Jane.

Because Maura can accept her all scars, and broken pieces. But what in that off chance she doesn't? And all those dirty little secrets she keeps come spilling out and Maura turns and walks in the other direction. And Jane is trying to understand where this is coming from. Because yes, she fears losing Maura as a friend, but also fears losing what could be so much more. Because it's there. It's always been there, and she's standing on the edge of it, and she knows Maura is too.

And there it is. It is something so much bigger than either of them, and they are both so fully invested and entwined in it, and Jane can't let her fears control her, because they never have before. And fuck Hoyt for fucking her up. And even though she sucks at piecing herself back together, she knows that her and Maura fit; they just do, and if there is anything she is sure of, it is that.

"You're my person, you know." Jane says it quietly turning her head and looking at Maura. "You always have been. And I'm sorry that I'm not better at this, or more put together. And I'm sorry that you had to see all my baggage back there. Because I'm usually so well put together and I clean up pretty nice."

A sad smile creeps across Maura's face and she brings her fingers to her mouth, and Jane can see unshed tears in her eyes.

"Oh no. Please don't cry. I do clean up nice. I really do. I promise." Jane jokes, but Maura only shakes her head as tears begin to roll down her face and she lets out a forced laugh as she pulls in front of Jane's apartment complex. "I know you do, and you do it so well for everyone to see." Maura's tone is serious, and Jane can tell that her joke is about to get turned on her in all types of ways she didn't expect.

"But you don't have to be that for me. You're my person too, baggage and all, Jane. I know you aren't boxed up neatly with a bow on top. All of that back there is part of who you are, and I accept it. There is no questioning that." And suddenly Jane feels relief wash over her for the first time in hours. She watches Maura wipe her eyes, and reaches across the distance between them, and brushes away a loose strand of hair from in front of her face. Maura captures her hand and brings it down into her lap.

"You're always saving people, Jane. For once, let someone save you."

"Broken isn't always so easily fixed." Jane says matter-of-factly.

"I'm not asking to fix you. I'm just telling you that you don't have to go through this alone. You aren't broken, Jane. You have proven that time and time again. You are one of the strongest, most resilient people I have ever had the honor of meeting." Maura accentuates her point by squeezing her hand.

"Maybe I'm not broken, but I'm a little fucked up." Jane says, running her index finger over the skin on the inside of Maura's wrist.

"Well aren't we all?"

"Aren't we all what?" Jane grins.

"A little fucked up?" Jane gasps. "Maura! I think that is the first time I have ever heard you drop the f-bomb"

Maura lets out a chuckle pushes Jane with her free hand, "I'm full of surprises." The weight from earlier is finally being lifted, and Jane feels like all right is being set back in their little world.

Leaning in, she presses her lips to Maura's temple; "Thank you."

Maura closes her eyes and revels in their shared moment. This isn't an undercurrent anymore. It's out and in the open, and it runs deeper than she could have imagined.

"I'll see you tomorrow." She says as Jane exits the car.

Jane leans down and smiles; "Always."


	5. Dream To Make Believe

**A/N: trigger for sexual abuse. Thank you to everyone you decided to take this little trip with me down trauma lane. It's a far cry from the fluff and fun that is Texts From Maura. Also note that the * next to certain lines of dialogue represent ones that are not mine, but rather lyrics from Mewithoutyou - ****_I Never said I Was Brave_**** and ****_Silencer. _****I feel like their music really sets the tone for what I'm trying to go for in this piece.**

Jane is sitting on her couch, nursing a beer and doing so much research on Roman culture that she feels like cramming for a college exam. Saturn this. Pluto that. Jupiter whatever. But at least Saturnalia has a better ring to it than that 'The Green Monster' business thats been all over the tv.

And Maura had a point. And as much as she hated to admit it, so did Hoyt; whoever this was was trying to make a point to her. And Hoyt may be a psychopathic serial killer, but he wouldn't lie about having another apprentice. His ego is far too large and he prides himself too much watching Jane squirm. So whoever it is is doing this out of sheer, twisted appreciation from Hoyt. Jane picks up a pen and scribbles down a few notes; JR consort? to who?

And that's a good question. Who's consort? Because in Hoyt's mind he's is probably still living out the twisted fantasy of what happened in that dingy basement and that will always make Jane his, at least to him. A shudder runs through Jane's body and she takes a large sip of her beer. Then there's this Saturnalia/Green Monster. And Jane isn't so sure that he is targeting her as much as he just trying to get a pat on the back from a dying man in a prison infirmary; You are Hoyt's, and I honor that, but here are some things to play with in the process. And Jane really hates the idea of belonging to any of these psychos, and if she had known this was going happen, she would should have picked a different booth at career day.

Running her hands through her hair, Jane squeezes her eyes shut; "That's fucked." she says to no one, then points her finger at her laptop "You are a sick fuck."

Jane takes a sip of her beer and rubs her eyes. It's 11, and she's been at it hard since Maura dropped her off.

Maura; and the thought makes her smile. She'd be Maura's consort, but that's followed by a frown. 'No. Not consort.' That word has taken on a different connotation now. Girlfriend? Lady friend? Person she dates? Partner? Best friend. Maura was that, and could be so many more things. And it's not that Jane ever ignored the fact that what they had was there; she was very aware of it. The flirting and the bantering was fun, but now; now it was different. Maura had seen her though some of the hardest times in her life. Hoyt and apprentice 1. Hoyt and apprentice 2, the shooting and Hoyt again. There was a trend, and Jane would rather take a hundred bullets than have this be a recurring facet in her life. But no one has seen her the way Maura saw her today; when Hoyt dropped that bomb in the infirmary. Jane felt like her world had collapsed, but Maura had been there to hold her up. She didn't run, she didn't handle her like she damaged goods or that she had some god-awful sickness. There was comfort and compassion, and silent understanding. And even through the tears and burning in her throat, she felt protected and loved.

And is that what this was? Love? Had it always been that? Had it ever been anything else? Jane didn't have an answer. It always just was. And sometimes things just fit and line up like that and then here you are at almost midnight drinking a beer alone, swearing at your computer and coming to the realization that you have always been in love and it's taken you this long to really see it. Like,_ really_ see it.

And Jane's heart is fluttering and flying high and it's the proverbial light going off; and Jane's warm. All over. Like she enveloped in water, floating freely, and for the first time, in a long time, Jane can say that she happy. Happy in all the darkness surrounding her there is a pinpoint of light.

Closing her laptop, she pulls the blanket on the couch up to her chin. She can see it has started to snow, and the wind raps against the windows. Jo curls up next to her as she dozes off to sleep.

-

_She is face down._

_It's cold and Jane can taste dirt in her mouth mixed with iron. She coughs and spits out blood, and her body hurts. She can hear footsteps up above her and a door opening. He is coming down the stairs now, and Jane tries to find the strength to lift her body, but she can't. Her hands ache. She tries to ball them into fists, but the pain makes her mouth fall open in a silent scream._

_She can feel something trailing up the back of her leg, and suddenly she realizes that she is naked; and all the images from earlier come back; swirling around in her aching head, and she can feel a familiar turning in her stomach as bile rises into the back of her throat._

_Hoyt sits down next to her on the floor, and puts down a tray. "I brought you something to eat, Janie." he runs his hand across her back, and she flinches._

_"You are so beautiful. And you came all this way for me. I'm honored." Jane keeps her head down, but she knows he is saying it through a smile. She pushes up on her elbows, and brings her knees up before slowly turning over and tucking them under her chin. Her right eye is swollen, and there is a cut on her lip. _

_A crooked hand reaches out to touch her face, and she turns her head. "Don't you touch me." her words are venom, and he retracts his hand. His face contorts, and she can see fire in his eyes, and she isn't prepared for the hit that collides with her head and sends her reeling back._

_The dull light in the room grows weaker and is blocked out completely as he leans over her, his hands playing with the clasp of his belt buckle. She is tired, but tries to fight him. He captures her hands and hold them to his chest; "Just let me sleep. Just let me-..'_

_Hoyt smiles; "You might sleep, but you'll never dream." He moves forward suddenly and a scream echoes off the walls._

-

Jane's eyes open slowly, and shes blinking away tears. She was crying_; "You might sleep but you'll never dream."*_

He was right; nightmares aren't dreams. And when it wasn't nightmares it was nothing. Jane woke up and never had a dream or thought to remember. Nothing.

It was dark and cold in her apartment. The lights were off. Snow was still falling outside the window, and coming out of her disoriented state, she could see that her cable box had no time on it. She reached above her head and fumbled for the light switch to the lamp on her side table and was met with nothing.

"Goddamnit."

Fumbling for her phone she finally switches it on, it's only 1 in the morning. Working with one eye open she scrolls to Maura's name and calls; after a few rings a groggy voice answers.

"Jane? Is everything ok?"  
"Yeah. The power went out at my place. No heat, no nothing. Mind if I bunk with you?"  
"Not at all. Be careful with the snow."  
"See you in 20."

She hangs up tries to smile as she sits up, but a steady stream of tears inch down her face and to the corner of her mouth. Confliction running course through her mind.

She was so happy, and so sad.*

Which should she feel more sorry for?*


	6. Four Word Letter

**A/N: FLUFFFFFFFF**

The snow is heavy, and Jane is going at a snails pace. Her twenty minute ETA is quickly turning into more than that. Jo paces back and forth on the passengers seat, propping herself up to look out the window as little whimpers fill the car.

"Relax, we will be there soon." A at the sound of Jane's voice, the small dog turns and cocks her head, then settles on the seat.

Forty-five minutes later she is finally pulling in front of Maura's house. Grabbing her bag, and tucking Jo snuggly into her jacket, Jane makes her way to the front door and rings the doorbell. Bouncing on her heels she feels the wind against her back and her skin raises. Finally the door opens and she is greeted with a very tired looking Maura Isles, only she looks beautiful to Jane, accentuated by the candlelight that glows behind her in the living room.

"It seems my power is out too. As is most of Boston." Jane nods and lets out a huff of air; "Of course it is." Setting Jo down, she glances around the room. Candles line the shelf above the fireplace where large flames play below, dancing off the floor walls and bringing the room to life. "Even have a fire going. If I didn't know better I'd say you were setting a mood." Maura smiles at the glint in Jane's eye and she playfully slaps her arm as she walks towards the couch. "Or I am merely trying to stay warm."

Jane follows and watches the the reflection of the flames trail their way across Maura's face and hair; accenting each contour, each dimple as she smiles, making her look even more alive and more vibrant. Jane swallows a lump in her throat and feels her chest flutter. Oh, there was a mood, unintended or not. Like the cosmos was kicking her in the ass and pointing every sign it had in the direction, and Jane isn''t really sure how to process it all at once. Serendipitous doesn't happen to Jane Rizzoli. Scalpels and shootings happen to Jane Rizzoli; but now this; _this_ feeling was happening.

As they sat Jane kept smiling and nodding listening to Maura babble on about how Nor'easters are formed of the coast, and something about low pressure colliding with something, but really all Jane could focus on was Maura's lips and how they are reflecting shades of red and orange from the fire. And while Jane adores the vast wealth of knowledge inside her head, she just needs her to be quiet, because Jane's own thoughts are already screaming at her, and she can't have Maura layering her Google-talk on top of it.

So Jane does the logical thing she can think of and reaches out and places her index finger gently against Maura's lips; causing the blonde to flinch, and Jane quickly retracts her hand and brings it closely to her chest, surprising herself at the action; "Sorry. Sorry. Sorry." she mumbles and begins to look around the room for anything that isn't Maura's face. Jane halfway expects her to be offended that she cut her off mid-sentence, and she prepares herself for a smart, snarky comment. Only instead she feels Maura's weight shift on the couch as she closes the distance between them. Her arm drapes across the back of the couch dangerously close to Jane's neck; "You don't have to be sorry, Jane." she says quietly. Jane gives a small nod; "I know. I just- just have a lot of stuff swimming around up here." she says, tapping the side of her head for emphasis.

Maura's fingers tentatively reach and begin to trail across her temple and tuck stray strands of hair behind her ear; "You've been crying." Jane turns her head slightly and catches Maura's eye before staring back at the fire. "Nightmare." Jane says matter-of-factly and shrugs. "Is that why you called?" Maura asks, twirling thick strands of brunette hair around her fingers. "Yes. No." Jane pauses. "Sorta."

They fall into a silence as Maura continues her ministrations with her hair. Jane closes her eyes; "I've ran from my demons for too long. Hid from them. Swept them under a rug. And I'm tired of it. And if I'm going to run anywhere, I want it to be to you. Because with you, there is silence and there is peace from all the things that bounce around and echo inside my head." Maura smiles and brings her hand to Jane's face, cupping it and tracing her cheek with her thumb. Jane leans into her touch, turning her head slightly and bringing her lips lightly across the skin of Maura's wrist. "You just make it all ok." Jane says looking at Maura, before tilting her head down and averting her gaze to the small space between them.

And Maura can't take it anymore. Jane is flawed and acutely self-aware of it. Because all she wants to do is kiss her. Kiss away her tears and any semblance of pain that she may have. And Maura can see that she doesn't crack or bend or wane under her touch, but rather she soothed by it. Calmed and protected by it. And Maura's heart swells and she leans down slowly to meet Jane, and her body is buzzing because this last gap between them to the other side is being bridged together. Maura presses her forehead lightly against Jane's and with the slightest nudge brings her lips to hers. It is feather light, but it speaks mounds of what is coursing between them. It speaks understanding, commitment and loyalty. Protection and love. Pulling slowly away, Maura kisses Jane lightly on the forehead, her lips lingering; "I'm not perfect." Maura brings her forehead to Jane's; "I'm not asking you to be." Maura says quietly. "I'm broody and snarky and sarcastic, and I stomp my feet when I don't get what I want." Maura smiles; "I'm perky and googlely and overly-optimistic and I can deal with foot stomping."

Jane looks up and her eyes meet Maura's; "So, this is it." It wasn't a question. Maura nods and smiles; "This is it." Their lips meet again as Jane cups the face in front of her._ 'This is it.'_


	7. Post Script

Jane and Maura scoured the house to find every available blanket, and moving the coffee table began to make themselves a makeshift bed; layering blankets and sheets to make the floor in front of the fireplace as comfortable as possible. Laying down, Jane threads her fingers together and rests them on her stomach, staring at the ceiling; "This is like the set up to a cheesy harlequin romance novel." She says turning her head and to face Maura, who had propped herself up on an elbow, head cocked to the side, resting on her knuckles and her face lit up with a smile. "Hardly. We'd need more bear skin rug and less sheets." Jane lets out a small laugh, and stretches her arm out, bringing it around Maura and pulling her close; "Come'ere." Maura scoots closer and lays her head down on Jane's shoulder. Bringing her hand up, she rests it atop Jane's on her stomach while Jane's other hand makes its way slightly under her shirt, drawing lazy circles across her lower back.

Jane smiles. _This._ This is natural and it fits and it's goddamn perfect. And in the silence, her mind begins to wander. She feels remarkably still. Everything around her does. The chaos in her head from a few hours before is silenced. She feels Maura twitch slightly and her breaths grow heavy. Out the window she can still see fluffy snowflakes fall, and pressing her lips against Maura's forehead she feels peace; unadulterated peace, and finally feels sleep take over her body.

_She is on the Cape. Hyannis, where her parents used to rent a small beach house in the summer. She is sitting on the end of a dock with her toes skimming the water. The sun is warm on her skin, and she is leaning back on her palms, her face turned to the sky and she is smiling._

_There is a light breeze, and she can feel legs drape beside hers and arms wrap and her waist as the presence of another body presses against her. She can feel the nuzzle against her neck and she turns her head; rewarded with a kiss on her cheek. A chin propped on her shoulder and they both look off to the horizon together._

_"I used to think when I was a kid that when the sun set it was being put out by the ocean."_

_The statement is matter of fact, and she is only hummed a response lightly into her ear; "Come back to the house with me." and suddenly the presence behind her is gone. A hand takes a place in hers, and she is being pulled up. Standing, she wraps her arms around the smaller woman's waist and pulls her against her, nuzzling and smiling into her neck, the light scent of salt on her skin from the air. Her dress is simple and the most vibrant shade of yellow; it's like staring into the sun._

_She moves to her side, and takes her hand. They walk in stride, exchanging only glaces but no words. As the house comes into sight, she finds herself alone as the woman beside her is sprinting ahead. In a few long strides she catches up easily, grips her wrist and pulls back, bringing her back into her chest. They share a smile, their breaths mingling with each others. Their lips meet. It's playful and light, and as it deepens she finds her hands wandering over the yellow dress. She swears she can see it with her eyes closed; every curve and every dip of the body under it, and as her hands rest on her hips, she grips them firmly and hoists her up so that legs are firmly wrapped around her waist._

_And everything is perfect. It is so simple. Everything about it is. It makes sense. It just is._

_And it doesn't matter that the sun has set behind them and storm clouds have begun to move in, because she swears that the woman in the dress will always be alive; vibrant and alive and a beacon._

_And any layer between them dissolves as they collapse into each other; she is so gentle. Her touch is light and exploring. The woman in the yellow dress is flawless and her skin is warm under her lips; trailing fire from every spot where they meet. She is exquisite._

_The storm behind them has grown, and the it beats against the windows. A heavy rain falls, and the sun has long gone since been extinguished in the ocean. But she pays no mind, because they have built a safe haven here with each other. Echoes of pleasure play off the walls in the beach house, and as the woman hovers above her, kissing her gently, she can see that her eyes are a lively shade of green speckled shimmerings of gold. They are prismatic and they hold her. Hold her as she feels herself being filled and they whisper confirmations of love and adoration. Safety and home._

_Home._

_Then her eyes leave. She feels lips and teeth at her shoulder, kissing and nipping gently. She can hear her name; and she bites her lip as her head tilts back, feeling the fire growing inside her, threatening to spread over her body._

_"Jane."_

_It drips like honey, and the fire builds, "Jane"_

_Jane._  
_Jane._

_"Janie." the timbre changes, honey is replaced by acid; and when she opens her eyes she can't see. The room is dark, and the only sound she can hear is the rain against the windows and the sound of his voice._

_She struggles, and she can't remember the color of her eyes, just the shape of her dress; then she is gone. Vanished from memory. It's dense and the thoughts are jumbled together._

_She lets out a cry. Pain and sorrow. Love and loss. Tears burn her cheek. Nothing was beautiful._

She wakes herself. Her muffled cries enough to stir her out of sleep. Jane's hands hurt. She opens them stiffly, letting go of Maura's shirt that she had balled so tightly in her right hand. She can feel Maura shift, and her body shudder. Jane wipes the tears away from her eyes and turns over. The fire has died down, and the house is cold. Gently she pulls her arm out from under the sleeping woman, and sits up before standing and quietly stoking the embers of the fire. She places two new logs atop the embers and blows on them, eliciting the flames as they kiss and surround the new wood.

Laying back down, she pulls the blankets high and wraps her arm around Maura, who has turned on her side. Jane tries to smile and she presses the length of her body lightly against hers, marveling at how well they fit. She can feel a shift as Maura brings her hand up, and laces it through her fingers; "You were crying." she says tiredly.

Jane squeezes her hand; "Just a dream." The smaller woman pushes back and conforms her body to Jane's, humming in response. And suddenly Jane is reminded of her dream, salt and the taste of her skin, humming in her ear requests of love; "You were in my dream." She isn't sure if she should say more, but for the first time in a long time, Jane could remember something beautiful coming to her and she doesn't want to let it go; "You were wearing the most amazing dress. You were gorgeous. We were on a dock by the sea." Jane smiles and trails a light kiss to the tip of Maura's ear; "We were sitting in the sun, and you had your arms wrapped around me." An array of emotions begin to crash through Jane; what she felt in her dream was so real and mirrored how she felt now. She could tell Maura was awake, her fingers trailing over the back of her hand. Gently pulling at the fabric of her shirt, Jane let her hand tentatively wander over the soft skin of her stomach, Maura's touch never leaving the back of hand. Slowly Maura turns, and lies on her back, looking up at Jane, her hand moving to trail the side of her face and down her jawline.

And Jane can't take it. She squeezes her eyes shut in an attempt to hold back the tears forming there, but they seep through, and before she can speak she feels Maura's lips against hers silencing her with words unspoken. The kiss isn't light, it speaks of want and need. And as it deepens, Jane finds herself being gently pushed back and lowered to the ground, Maura's lips never leaving hers. Her hands wander to hips that are slowly rocking against her, and as Maura slips her thigh between her legs, Jane lets out a soft moan against her lips from the pressure she feels. Pulling back, Maura's fingers ghost along her brow line and the space below her eye and above her cheek. Looking at the woman above her, Jane can remember the color of her eyes; green and gold. They are hooded and she can see the reflection of flames dancing in them. Moving her hands, she pulls up on Maura's shirt and it is easily discarded. The same sentiment in returned in just as her shirt is removed. They both catch each other in mutual admiration, a smile gracing their faces before their lips meet again.

Maura has built a slow and steady rhythm as Jane's hands explore the expanse of her back, feeling each muscle contract and relax with each roll of her hips. Her hands trail from Jane's face, down her neck, across the hollow of her throat and between the space of her breasts, before stopping at the band of her pants. Breaking their kiss, Maura looks down at Jane, looking for the slightest confirmation to continue. Pausing for a moment, Jane pushes herself up, causing Maura to shift and lean back on her knees. Steadied, Jane gently pulls at the strings of her pants, loosening the band and sliding them slowly down her hips. Fumbling with her belt buckle, Maura loosens it, and pulls, causing Jane to lean back and raise her hips to remove the last articles of clothing between them. Leaning her back, Maura resumes her position above her, their lips moving slowly against one another, nipping and sucking gently. Jane cups the back of Maura's neck while her other hand grips at her hip, pulling and pushing with the motion there. Between their kiss the pressure from her thigh is replaced by slow swipes of Maura's fingers, causing a gasp to escape Jane's lips. They circle and press gently, and Jane can feel herself coming undone. She is slow, running the length of her, circling her entrance, then trailing over her most sensitive spot. Maura making love to her is all encompassing. It is ethereal. Tilting her head back she can feel her body begin to tense as Maura's lips move to the pulse point on her neck and linger there, sucking and biting gently at it. The fire inside Jane is building. Building to a crescendo that she has never felt before, and when it overtakes her body she trembles; waves crashing and coursing through her.

And Maura leads her gently down and back to her; never a winding road. This is simple and impalpable. She wraps her arms around Jane, and tucks her head under her chin. Jane's hand trails up and down her side, feeling each rib and the space in between.

_Home_.


End file.
